Thorn In My Flesh

Do You Want To Get Well?

Do you want to get well? 

These words from Jesus have been coming to mind over and over again this week.  Several events have provoked me to think about this passage from John 5.  Between a family issue that arose that brought my previous alcohol abuse to mind (the past), a very personal situation that brought about an internal struggle this week with one of my greatest demons (the present) and a series of illnesses that have me asking "Why me?" (the future unknown), I hear God asking me if I am still willing to surrender my will daily and submit to His.  I see my past, present and future rushing towards me at once showing me that the call to being a mature Christian is embracing this life of suffering, denying oneself and taking up my cross daily (Luke 9:23).

From John 5:1-15 (NIV)

1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

7“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

8Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jews said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”

11But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ “

12So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”

13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” 15The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.

I was in the midst of difficult prayer today struggling with a situation that has come to pass this week for me.  In my drinking days, I would have attempted to drink to make it well.  In early sobriety, I would have succumbed to the difficulty.  Yet, I see after a couple years of sobriety that the Lord is testing me to see where my obedience lies. 

Do I want to get well?  Or do I want to continually submit to my will as I used to?  It was then in that prayer that I realized that although the reward is far greater and will eternally be far greater, sometimes it is more difficult to be well. 

When Jesus asked the invalid if he wanted to get well, he exclaimed, "Of course I do!" (actually, he doesn't answer that question and dwells in the past..if you notice, he has a great manipulative way of not taking responsibility.  It is somebody else's fault...)  Yet, I don't know if he saw that Jesus wanted to bring him healing of the heart.  How easy it is for us to say we want to get well and expect someone else to do all the work!  When I reflected on this scripture a year or so ago, I thought that the man in this story understood the paradigm shift that had occurred.  Or maybe his heart was changed at that moment but later in the story we see that his faith is wavering?

When I finally took the leap of faith and wanted to be healed of the disease of alcoholism (as this man wanted to be healed of his crippling condition), it took enormous faith.  Looking back, though, I realize how much more faith is required to continue this incredible, often difficult, Christian journey.   At his moment of conversion, the invalid is saying, "Oh yes, I am ready...heal me, Jesus!"  Later, in the temple, he has succumbed to the predominant Jewish cultural law, most likely trying not to cause waves, and possibly making sacrifices to atone for sin. 

Perhaps this man who experienced the healing nature of Christ realized that it was more work to be well than to be sick.  So he slipped back into his old patterns.  He decided a sacrifice or two would take care of any heart healing that had not occurred.  He became apathetic.  When Jesus lovingly tried to point out that he needs to continue down his path of healing and not sin, perhaps he gets defensive.  He gets angry.  He starts to think like a sick person.  "What!?" he thinks.  "Who is this guy to suggest that I am sinful?  I'll show him!"  And he promptly reports Jesus, the one who used a little "tough love" to guide this man on the path of recovery, to the authorities.

And so it is in my life.  When I see someone suffering from what I suffered from, I shudder.  I realize, however, that he/she may not be ready to get well.  There is a freedom in Christ from the vicious cycle of addiction, but to maintain that freedom, we must gracefully accept over time that we are not our own anymore.  Today, when I tearfully cried to the Lord, "I am yours, I am yours...," I reflected deeply on the fact that I cannot have that instantaneous pleasure anymore of giving into what I want because it feels right.  When ever fiber in my body says, "Do it," yet God instructs, "Don't," I know now that the temporary suffering from restraint will bring me closer to God and make me, ironically, more joyful in the long run.  That does not mean it is easy.  No, it is, in fact, something I cannot do without the strength of God.

Do you want to get well?

Yes, Lord, I do.  Please continue to help me. 

My One Month Hiatus

Hi friends.  Is anyone still around?  I have been so caught up with life and adjusting to things after we got back from Morocco.  I promise to update soon.   

I pray that everyone who reads this has a blessed and spiritual Holy Week. 

Sending Church

The other night, Bryan and I went in front of session at our church to talk about our call to work in Morocco and ask if they would be our "sending church."  While the particular agency that we chose to work with does not require us to do so, to have a sending church is biblical.  Additionally, Bryan and I are the type of people who tend to think we can do things "on our own" and asking people for help and support adds a dose humility to the equation.  We are so inclined in this culture to fend for ourselves.  Yet, we need people to care for us and to pray for the work we are doing. 

We briefly shared the journey we have been on in the past few years.  We have been members of this Presbyterian church for five years, but we left the church when I was early in recovery to go to a bigger one.  The bigger "mega-church" that we went to for about a year was good for my recovery because it had a group for everything, and this was good to keep my focus on God and get out of myself.  However, a few hurtful personal things happened to me there and the brand of "feel good" spirituality that they tend to promote to attract new people started to turn me away. Six months ago, we started to go back.  It felt like the right move to return to this small congregation. 

I told Session that I have started to believe that we came to ask to develop a sending relationship with them, and I did not think it was just a relationship that would benefit us.  I said that I have begun to learn that God works in us and through us, and I am beginning to feel that we were called back to that church for a reason.  It is a mostly older congregation, and the Pastor is this brilliant, missional minded man who has helped us with our discernment over the last year especially.  I know that through his sermons he is trying to get the congregation to have a "missional mindset" for living their life.  By missional, I mean to live out scripture and practice it in all your affairs and your life, not just go to Sunday service.  I think there is something to this relationship with this church that will be important, and we will have to see if we can produce a relationship of good communication and understanding of the Muslim world so that they might have seeds planted to carry out growth here.  Hopefully, the seeds land on good soil. (Still other seed fell on good soil.  It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.  When he said this, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him listen"  Luke 8:8)

I am so excited about our trip to Morocco next week.  We leave on Thursday, and there is so much to take in and understand.  We will spend a week there getting to know the school we are looking at working at and meeting people.  I am reading a lot about Morocco and Islam right now.  I am trying to read the Qur'an, as well.  I need prayers more than anything right now.  We need prayers to help us to not get caught up in the financial matters of unraveling ourselves from our life here.  Sometimes it seems so daunting and impossible, quite frankly.  But, I have come to believe that it is indeed evil at work that tries to get us to focus on the negatives.  We are listing our house this week.  It is not a good time for a house to be on the market, and we will not make any money off of the sale.  We will be lucky to break even on the house.  The total of our house debt is $666,000.  Ironic, isn't it?  Even the real estate agent, who knows we are going to do mission work said that she noticed that.  What makes this even trickier for us is that we still pay alimony to Bryan's ex-wife.  I am praying that God helps us figure out how we are going to do that without having to dip into our retirement money. 

All in all, life is good.  The details can get me at times, yet the future is full of so many possibilities. 

A Friend

I am working on a retreat reflection paper for a class I am taking for seminary.  I thought I would post part of it, as taking solitary, personal retreats are not something that many of us do.  I highly recommend it.

My retreat experience was one of personal significance. I chose to do my personal retreat at San Damiano Retreat Center in Danville, California. San Damiano Retreat Center is guided by the Franciscan tradition and is located on many acres of wooded land above the San Ramon Valley. Initially, I was going to do my retreat here in Sacramento. However, the more I began to read Henri Nouwen in the past couple months, as well as  other spiritual writers like Dallas Willard and Richard Foster, the more I became interested in doing a retreat that might draw me further away from the familiar. In the end, I decided upon a three day retreat on the dates of January 18 through January 20 in this retreat center two hours from my home.

When I first arrived at the center and went into my room, I looked out of the window and felt a sense of loneliness.  I wondered to myself why I would feel this strange loneliness when I am often alone at my home.  I am someone who is fortunate because I have the ability to stay home with my children and attend seminary without having to work.  I also have childcare every afternoon to tend to studying and other matters. As such, I have the ability to be in my home in what I thought was “solitude and silence.” However, I learned when away on retreat that the familiar conveniences of the house and the thoughts associated with my studies keep me from truly focusing on God. I realized how different time alone is when the purpose is to truly center on God versus trying to run my life. I began to see, as I purposefully left behind the cell phone and computer that dominate my life, that “aloneness” does not necessarily mean solitude. We can sometimes isolate when we are alone through the distraction of the familiar. Ironically, we can experience more solitude and inner peace when we are in the unfamiliar and even among strangers. Solitude of the heart comes from an inner centering on God in all that we do.

I looked forward to this assignment, and one of the things I thought is it would be easy for me. I made the mistake of thinking that I should practice all the spiritual disciplines at once. I thought I would fast, as well. It did not occur to me at the time, but it is almost as though I was thinking, “Why not get more spiritual bang for the buck?”  Although I do feel the processes of silencing my mind and focusing on God is easier for me than some due to my personality, I still dealt with an incessant need to think about “what needs to be done” in terms of a spiritual standpoint. Should I pray? Should I read the Bible? Should I take a nap? Would that be “less than” God expects of me? Should I walk outside? Should I learn how to use centering prayer? Instead of just letting God guide me initially, I tried to control the situation. Even though it masked itself as spiritual, the need for power and control were great.

As I gradually let myself break my fast early, as I let myself just be, I started to just enjoy the silence and beauty of the center. I read something by Dallas Willard in which he states that the spiritual disciplines are important and crucial for discipleship; however, just like we gradually build up in a physical exercise program, we need to build up our spiritual muscles, as well.  This is advice that I must heed.  During the last morning of my stay, I spent much time enjoying the peace on a bench in the woods and felt a closeness with God. I walked the labyrinth in the last hour. As I walked the labyrinth, I was thinking, “What is all the hype about these labyrinths?” However, as I continued to walk, I realized an amazing thing had happened over the days that had passed. The questions I was asking and jokes I was making (as I tripped over the bizarre rock formation that formed the labyrinth) were not to myself but to God. I was in conversation with God.  Suddenly, I recalled this scripture:  (Jesus says)“ I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last…” (John 15:15-16). 

This is prayer.  Listening to God, hearing when he speaks, being in conversation and dwelling in his presence  We are His friends.    

Reflections

Jen at 12 Steps Closer asked me to post five of my favorite links to previous posts which relate to myself, family, friends, love and one of my own choosing.  Of course, being narcissistic at the core (thank goodness for grace), I'd love to go into my archives and dig up some previously written posts.

1) Myself: Of course, to understand me, you need to understand my recovery and how it saved my life. Here is my story of who I was and why I sought treatment.

2) Family: Fighting for More Than Just My Life focuses on the fact that recovery has healed more than just me but generations to come.

3) Friends: I have learned this year that friendships have become less superficial and more real.  In Faith, I realize I have the ability now to be a friend.

4) Love: Jeans is the reflection of love for my husband that I realize is the epitome of real love.

5) Any Topic: For When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong is a post that I feel encapsulates the meaning of my life with an addiction.  It is how I developed the name of this blog, as well.

The nature of this post is also to "tag" four other people to list their favorites as well.  I will choose:

1) Nino at Cease, Cows, Life is Short
2) Danielle at The Bipolar Diaries
3) Melissa at Browns R Us
4) Kristin at It's All Fun and Games

Being Led

One of the classes I am taking this quarter is a study of Henri Nouwen's "Spirituality of Imperfection."  He is a must read for anyone who has struggled with issues in life.  He is the epitome of someone who puts his wounds out there for all to see yet perseveres and grows in the Christian faith.  It helps me understand why even after the resurrection, Jesus still possesses his wounds on his new spiritual body.  Our wounds help us grow, and even the Son maintained his humanity and what it means to be human after he physically died.  It is one of the reasons I keep falling deeper in love with Christianity.  God understands our brokenness and knows it is part of our growth process.  He even came down to live through it as one of us. 

As I move along in my walk with God, Bryan and I are continuing to pursue our call to long term mission work internationally.  It is a very scary thought, and nothing we could have even fathomed a few years ago.  It is not something that we would "want" to do on our own.  Yet, God has created this desire within us to move forward in faith and attempt to do something that would not be possible for us to do without him.  It is a call to sell everything we have, to give up a place we know, a job we know and the financial security we know...it is scary.

In all truth I tell you
When you were young
you put on your belt
and walked where you liked;
but when you grow old
you will stretch out your hands
and somebody else will put a belt around you
and take you where you would rather not go
John 21:18

From In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen:

The world says, "When you were young you were dependent and could not go where you wanted, but when you grow old you will be able to make your own destiny."  But Jesus has a different vision of maturity: It is the ability and willingness to be led where you would rather not go....The way of the Christian leader is not the way of upward mobility in which our world has invested so much, but the way of downward mobility ending on the cross.  This might sound morbid and masochistic, but for those who have heard the voice of the first love [God] and said yes to it, the downward-moving way of Jesus is the way to joy and the peace of God, a joy and peace that is not of this world.

Here we touch the most important quality of Christian leadership in the future.  It is not a leadership of power and control, but a leadership of powerlessness and humility in which the suffering servant of God, Jesus Christ, is made manifest.  I, obviously, am not speaking about a psychologically weak leadership in which Christians are simply the passive victims of the manipulations of their milieu.  No, I am speaking of a leadership in which power is constantly abandoned in favor of love.   It is a true spiritual leadership.  Powerlessness and humility in the spiritual life do not refer to people who have no spine and who let everyone else make decisions for them.  They refer to people who are so deeply in lvoe with Jesus that they are ready to follow him wherever he guides them, always trusting that, with him, they will find life and find it abundantly.

The Christian needs to be radically poor, journeying with nothing except a staff--"no bread, no haversack, no money, no spare tunic" (Mark 6:8).  What is good about being poor?  Nothing, except that it offers us the possibility of giving leadership by allowing ourselves to be led. We will become dependent on the positive or negative responses of those to whom we go and thus be truly led where the Spirit of Jesus wants to lead us. Wealth and riches prevent us from truly discerning the way of Jesus.